


Really, It's Better This Way

by Hello21



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Spin the Bottle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hello21/pseuds/Hello21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A silly game of spin the bottle, leaves Clarke heartbroken when her best friend appears to be repulsed by the idea of kissing her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Really, It's Better This Way

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having writer's block with other works and this piece just came to me and just wrote itself.

Clarke sits in a circle of people, well more like a misshapen clump of people. Raven is sitting next to her, her head resting on Clarke’s shoulder, as she watches the bottle spins.

It lands on some guy Clarke doesn’t know, who quickly says, “I tag in Wick.”

Clarke stifles her laugh, as Raven groans. “Seriously Wick, did you pay everyone to tag you in?”

The large grin on Wick’s face tells Clarke that he did something along those lines. He didn’t pay Clarke though, but then again Raven would be deeply insulted if Clarke tagged someone else in, instead of kissing her.

Clarke nudges Raven forward, she sighs dramatically, but kisses Wick for the fifth time that night. Clarke cheers on with the rest of the group, as much as Raven complains about Wick, there is no denying she likes him. If she didn’t she would have punched him by now.

Clarke watches the guy Raven had actually landed on start his turn of Spin the Bottle or Tag. It was a silly version of the classic party game that Clarke didn’t actually think people ever played outside of TV. It's the same basic rules, with the small twist that the person who the bottle lands on can pass the kiss to another.

When Clarke first heard of this version, she had been worried that the game would turn mean or insulting. She didn’t want someone to feel bad that everyone was refusing to kiss them, luckily that didn’t seem like the case.

For the most part tagging someone else in was used to help your friend kiss their crush, mess with your friend, or avoid really awkward situations.

Clarke wasn’t sure how this version quickly became the automatic go to version of spin the bottle, someone would eventually tag another in and no one said anything, just accepting those were the rules.

Octavia started tagging, which was not all that surprising once Clarke thought about it. Octavia had landed on her older brother Bellamy and before anything could be done or said, she quickly said that Bellamy was tagging Lincoln in, allowing Octavia to kiss her long time crush and now boyfriend.

No one really cared or said anything and the game continued as normal. It wasn’t until Miller landed on Jasper, who tagged in Monty for the kiss that tagging became a real thing.

It's a stupid and ridiculous game that no one takes too serious. Still though, Clarke rarely if ever tags someone else in. She doesn't want to hurt anyone’s feelings and besides she didn’t really care, it’s just kissing nothing more.

This night is turning into an interesting one, no one to her knowledge has ever used the tagging system to repeatedly get the same person. Clarke gives Wick points for creativity, that is some legit Octavia scheming material.

Clarke watches as the kiss between Sterling and Harper ends and Harper spins the bottle, landing on Clarke.

Clarke shrugs, meeting Harper halfway in the middle, giving the other girl a short and sweet kiss.

It’s her turn now.

She spins the bottle and it lands on the one and only Bellamy Blake. Clarke feels giddy and it isn’t just the alcohol, she definitely isn’t oppose to kissing him. She looks up to smile at him, only to see he’s not smiling, in fact he looks rather sick, staring at her in horror.

Clarke tries not to take it personally, she really does, but it stings all the same.

They didn’t exactly have the best of starts, but that was water under the bridge. They were friends now, really good friends. Clarke considers him to be one of her closest friends, really her best friend if she’s being honest.

It sucks that he seems less than thrilled to kiss her.

She is insulted. For one thing she’s an excellent kisser, so he should be happy to kiss her. Second of all she is decently attractive, so she didn’t understand his current expression. Most people would be happy to kiss her.

Why isn’t he happy to kiss her?

She’s okay with kissing him, so maybe she is definitely more than okay with it. Maybe she is beyond happy that she has a legitimate excuse to kiss him, without ruining their friendship.

In the last year or so, Clarke may have developed a small, miniscule crush on him, but really it’s nothing.

Sure he’s definitely one of her most favorite people in the whole world, he is also the first person she goes to if she has any news of any kind, and sure she loves spending time with him, especially when it’s just the two of them.

That is all normal though, perfectly normal best friend feelings.

It’s not like her heart pounds in her chest whenever she sees him, it’s not like she gets butterflies or anything, and she certainly doesn’t have very specific fantasies involving him late at night.

So maybe it is more than a crush, maybe she’s a bit more than in love with her best friend.

Clarke really tries not to take it personally, she really does. It’s nothing, just the guy she’s in love with looks repulsed at the idea of kissing her.

Maybe it isn’t her though, maybe he feels sick because of Jasper and Monty’s moonshine.

“Miller you’re in, I’m getting another drink.” Bellamy says, standing up, before Clarke can even do anything.

He says it so casually, like it’s nothing, like it’s no big deal. Maybe it isn’t, maybe the idea of kissing her doesn’t even have a place in his mind.

Clarke feels like she’s been punched in the stomach all the same.

She tries not to show how hurt she really is. She shrugs, smiling at Miller. “Let’s see if Monty’s praises have any truth to them.”

Miller rolls his eyes at her, but grins down at his now blushing boyfriend. The kiss is dry and quick, nothing to write home about.

Miller spins the bottle as Bellamy hasn’t return to the circle. The game continues like nothing happen, like Clarke didn’t have her heart ripped out and step on.

Clarke tries to decide when it will be a good time for her to leave. She doesn’t want to do it as soon as Bellamy comes back and she doesn’t want to look like she’s upset about him not kissing her, but she needs to leave.

Five other people have gone since Miller spun, it feels like an okay time to leave. It feels perfectly casual, nothing to do with Bellamy at all.

Clarke whispers to Raven that she’s going to get some water, before heading to the kitchen. She pours out her red solo cup and turns on the sink, filling her cup with water. She tries to stop her hands from shaking, but to no avail.

She knows she’s being ridiculous, but it hurts, it hurts so fucking much.

“Bell-Bellamy, oh god, Bellamy right there.” A girl moans from around the corner and Clarke freezes.

The music from the living room is drowned out by the sounds of Bellamy and some girl, a girl that’s obviously not Clarke. The kitchen feels unbearably hot and Clarke can’t breathe, this can’t be happening.

She hears Bellamy’s bedroom door shut close and Clarke feels both relief and disappointment. He’ll kiss and fuck a random girl, but won’t kiss her. It’s really hard to not take that personally.

Clarke’s eyes water and she quickly leaves, she can’t stay there anymore. As soon as she‘s outside she takes huge gulps of air, trying to calm herself.

She sees a younger girl, Clarke thinks her name is Fox and she approaches her.

Clarke is glad that something good came out of this terrible night, Fox is drunker than she planned on being and clearly is in no position to walk back to campus by herself. Clarke smiles kindly and offers to walk back to campus with her.

She texts Raven what she’s doing and tells her that she’ll see her later tonight or tomorrow, depending on how things go with Wick.

Clarke rolls her eyes when Raven texts her back with, _okay mom._

Clarke walks Fox back to her dorm, helps her undress and brush her teeth and puts her into bed, making sure a trashcan is right there in case she needs it. Clarke leaves water, some aspirin and a sleeve of crackers on Fox’s nightstand for when she wakes up.

Clarke is hesitant to leave her alone, but Fox is sound asleep and there are no signs of any alcohol poisoning, still Clarke waits twenty minutes before she heads back to her own dorm.

Once in bed Clarke tries to convince herself that it’s a good thing Bellamy didn’t kiss her, if he had she wouldn’t have felt rejected and hurt and she wouldn’t have left when she did. Fox would’ve probably walk back to campus by herself and something could’ve happen to her.

So really it’s a good thing her best friend was disgusted by the idea of kissing her. That to him fucking some random girl is a far better option than giving Clarke a small kiss on the lips.

Really, it’s better this way.

~*~

Clarke wakes up feeling slightly light headed, her tongue fuzzy, and she’s a bit wobbly, but that’s it for the side effects of last night. Oh and her heart is broken, but that’s it.

Raven didn’t come back to their room and Clarke checks her phone seeing a text from Raven at 2:49am; _with Wick, don’t wait up_.

She’s glad that something is finally happening between those two, Raven deserves to be happy and Wick definitely makes her happy, if not slightly crazed.

Clarke goes to the suite kitchen, pouring herself some orange juice before heading to the bathroom. She takes an extremely long scalding hot shower, scrubbing the previous night off of herself.

She feels like a new woman, clean and fresh, and ready to take on the day.

Her phone buzzes with a group text for breakfast at Ihop in forty minutes.

Clarke meticulously puts on her makeup and does her hair until it’s perfect, and she chooses an outfit that is bit more than nice for a Saturday morning Ihop hangover breakfast, but she needs this.

Managing her outer appearance makes Clarke feel better, it makes her feel in control and gives her something to do. The first step to feeling good, is to look good. If Clarke wants to feel fine and put together on the inside, then her outside needs to emulate that.

When Bellamy texts her, asking if she needs a ride to Ihop, she quickly replies that she’s going with Raven and Wick.

If this was yesterday morning, Clarke would’ve gotten a ride from him, asked him how he was and tell him all about Raven staying over at Wick’s, but it isn’t so she doesn’t.

They arrive at Ihop and head over to the large table of their friends, Bellamy smiles brightly at Clarke and it feels like a slap to the face.

Clarke gives him a small smile and pretends she doesn’t see him pulling the chair out that’s next to him. She instead opts to sit next to Finn, who looks surprised by her choice. Clarke wills herself to not look at Bellamy and his reaction.

Clarke doesn’t hate Finn, sure they’re not close anymore or even friends considering what happen, but Raven was able to forgive Finn and Clarke moved on.

She talks to Finn mostly, he doesn’t really hang out with them anymore, so she doesn’t know what he’s been up to. She finds out that he’s been doing ridiculous amounts of volunteering, became a vegetarian and is considering veganism, and has applied to the Peace Corps.

She’s glad he’s doing well and that they talk, but she’s also really glad they’re not together anymore.

Breakfast is soon over and Finn parts with a few others, hugging her goodbye and telling her he’s glad they got to catch up. Clarke feels a bit guilty for using him, but pushes it down.

She heads back to the guys’ place with everyone else, to waste their Saturday away playing video games and watching stupid movies. She doesn’t really want to, but knows she has to act like everything is the same, which it is for everyone else.

Clarke is amazed how easy it is to avoid Bellamy in his own home, she sits on the floor with Monroe and Jasper, instead of her usual spot next to Bellamy. She teams up with Monty instead of him for Mario Party and Mario Kart. She spends time getting to know Wick and teasing Raven, and talking to Lincoln about their latest art projects.

If anyone notices what she’s doing they keep it to themselves.

There’s a party that night and most of them want to go, so they leave the guys’ house and head to said party. Clarke finds herself joining the others who are partied out and choose to watch a movie in Harper's room instead.

She walks to campus with them, but leaves them to go back to her own room, saying she’s exhausted and has a lot of work to do for tomorrow.

Nobody questions it because she’s Clarke; the mom, the serious one and kill joy of the group. They tease her about it, but it’s all in good fun.

Clarke didn’t mind being called mom, it’s who she is. She’s a natural caretaker and authority figure, telling her friends what to do when they’re sick and not allowing them to do extremely stupid and illegal shit, it’s just what she does.

It’s nice being needed.

Still though, Clarke feels pretty pathetic sitting alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, while her friends are at a party, but she wants to wallow so she does. She does draw the line of pouring herself wine, well she draws the line after her second glass.

Clarke tells herself that maybe playing spin the bottle isn’t the right thing for her to do, since all her friends have designated her as the mom of the group. Even if she obviously isn’t their mom, it probably makes a lot of them uncomfortable to kiss her, seeing her as the responsible adult.

That’s why Bellamy didn’t kiss her last night, not because he hated her or was repulsed by her. Bellamy saw her as a mother figure like everyone else does, and who wants to make out with the mom of the group?

Clarke doesn’t feel better though.

She always knew that the chances of Bellamy returning her feelings were not great, and even if he did find her physically attractive, a long-term relationship was not for him.

It's better to accept the way things are and not push her feelings on him, this way she gets to keep her best friend.

Really, it’s better this way

~*~

Clarke is fully aware that she’s being childish and borderline insane avoiding Bellamy like he’s some kind of disease.

She can’t help it, it hurts too much to be near him. Her chest physically aches having him act like everything is the same, which it is for him.

Clarke though is not just a master of avoiding her feelings, but years of growing up in privilege society has made her an expert at avoiding people in the politest way possible. Seriously it’s an art in its own.

She hangs out with their friends as usual, perhaps a little less than she would normally, but nothing too abnormal. Clarke doesn’t approach Bellamy, but when he goes to her, she talks and jokes with him like everything is okay.

She avoids touching him at all cost though and tries her hardest to not sit or stand near him, keeping a safe distance of two to three people between them.

She hasn’t spent any time alone with him since that night and she feels more lonely than ever. Clarke misses her best friend and feels like she’s going insane, but she can’t be alone with him, not yet.

She hides behind schoolwork and upcoming projects, making things into much bigger deals than they actually are. Clarke has never been so productive in her life, she’s working on assignments and tests that aren’t due for several weeks.

However the downside is that, because she’s avoiding Bellamy and throwing herself into her studies, Clarke has literally nothing to do now, which makes it even harder to not seek him out.

She takes more shifts as a proctor and holds herself up in the library, watching shows on her laptop she’s already seen.

She resists the urge to text Bellamy about a documentary or two she sees and knows he’ll either hate or love, because that is dangerous territory.

She responds to his texts as she usually would, but doesn’t make that much effort to continue on the conversation. She avoids his calls, texting him later that she was working out, or in shower, or at the library. Clarke kind of hates herself, but it's better this way. Eventually she’ll get over Bellamy and she can go back to being friends with him, and everything will be okay.

Really, it’s better this way.

~*~

It’s been exactly three weeks since the party and Clarke is alone on the third floor of the library working on an art history essay that isn’t due for another three weeks. The sad part is that she’s already finished the essay, now she’s just adding extra work for fun.

Clarke tries to ignore how pathetic she is.

She’s bored and there is nothing for her to do. She’s watched everything she’s interested in on Netflix and Hulu, plus several movies. She’s done pretty much all her schoolwork, and unless she asks her teachers for the work on the syllabus that is a way ahead of where they are, there is absolutely nothing left for her to do.

If Clarke could, she would be working on her art in the Studio Art Building, but it closes at 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays and there’s also the fact that her friends could easily find her there.

Clarke’s plan on avoiding Bellamy, has taken a turn for the worst, as Bellamy is now more determined than ever to spend time with her. Clarke had to take to avoiding everyone to avoid him, which caused everybody to be concern for her.

Even if Clarke wasn’t trying to get over her best friend, she still would be avoiding her friends, Clarke hates being taken care of.

So that’s where she is now, alone on a Friday night, avoiding her friends with an insane amount of effort and determination.

In the end though he finds her.

Bellamy storms to the couch she's on, anger and exhaustion clear on his face. Clarke wants to hide, but there’s nowhere for her to go.

“Why are you avoiding me?” He spats, getting directly to the point. Bellamy is not the type of person to beat around the bush, he says what he means and goes after what he wants. It’s something she greatly admires about him.

Clarke decides to play innocent, “I don’t know what you mean. I haven’t been avoiding you.”

He gives her a look that clearly says _bullshit_. “So why are you here Friday night then?”

“I’m working on a paper.” She says simply, no reason to elaborate on the fact that the paper is done and isn’t due for quite some time.

“Really? That’s what you’re going with? Who works on a paper this late on a Friday night?” He asks, getting angrier and visibly more frustrated with her.

Clarke stares blankly at him, she can win this and have him leave soon enough.

“Look, I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting my important duties of cleaning up everybody’s puke and all that shit. But you will have to let it go, because despite what you may all think, I can’t just drop everything to take care of everyone else. I have things I need to get done, my own life to worry about.” She snaps at him.

Bellamy's mouth hangs open slightly, his brow creases and there’s a look of guilt on his face. “That’s not what this is…You really think that’s what this is about? That, that’s all we care about?”

Clarke’s voice is cold, this is hitting closer to home than she’s willing to admit. “That's what I am, right? The mom of the group. I can’t see why else you guys would care if I’m not there.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy’s voice his scratchy and desperate, “Is that why you’re upset? You think we only see you as the mom?”

 _It’s how you see me_.

Bellamy sits on the coffee table in front of her and reaches out for her, but she pulls back and hurt flashes across his face. “You’re our friend, we care about you and miss you. I miss you and I’m sorry you feel like that.”

Clarke wants this conversation to end, she needs him to leave her alone.

“I’m not upset about being the mom or caretaker of the group.” She says.

_I am upset that’s how you see me and will only see me like that._

“Than what’s this about?”

“Nothing.” She says, too quickly.

“I have a lot work to do and unlike some people,” she gives him a pointed look. “I can’t write a fifteen page paper the night before and still get an A. I need to work and study hard to get good grades, now more than ever if I’m ever going to get into the Art Program.”

Bellamy seems to buy her excuse and nods. He mumbles an apology and stands up to leave her to her work, and Clarke feels a sense of relief.

That is until he freezes, his whole body stiff. He turns back slowly, staring at her with his brow furrowed and his jaw tense.

“The Mt. Weather Art Program?” He asks, quietly.

“Yes,” Clarke says hesitantly, not sure where he’s going with this.

“That’s funny, because I know for a fact you and Maya got accepted two weeks ago."

Clarke closes her eyes, caught in her lie. “Fuck,” she mumbles more to herself than to him.

“What is this about Clarke? Why are you mad at us? Why are you avoiding everyone?” Bellamy is nearly shouting, but it doesn’t matter because no one is in the library at this time of night.

“I’m not avoiding them,” Clarke yells back, realizing all too late what she said.

Bellamy looks younger than she has ever seen him, vulnerable too. “You’re avoiding me.” It’s not a question, but a statement.

Clarke refuses to look at him and he gets his answer.

“Clarke,” Bellamy croaks, now kneeling down next to her. “I’m sorry, for whatever I did. I can’t be sorry enough, but I have no idea what I’ve done.”

_Of course you don’t, because that night was nothing to you. Delegating a kiss from me to someone else like you would for Octavia, isn’t worth a second of your thoughts._

“Clarke, please.”

Her throat tightens, she can’t look at him, not with his voice sounding like that.

“Please tell me what I did and I’ll make it better, I swear. I’ll make it up to you, I’ll fix whatever it is, just tell me and I’ll do it.”

Bellamy grips her hand in his and Clarke can’t bear to pull away. She’s misses him too much, she finally looks at him and her heart breaks at his expression. Clarke really hates herself for putting him in this much pain.

She smiles bitterly at him, “You can’t fix this.”

 _You can’t make yourself love me_.

Clarke pulls away and packs up her bag, she can’t stay here anymore, if she does she’ll really do something that’ll ruin their friendship.

Bellamy stops her after she’s taken a few steps, his hand searing on her arm.

“Clarke tell me what’s wrong, tell me what I did.”

“I can’t.” She stares right ahead. “Look just give me some more time and everything will be back to normal. I promise.”

Clarke feels his grip loosen and she pulls away, only to find him suddenly in front of her, hands on her shoulders.

“Clarke I can’t stand it when we fight, just tell me what’s going on. Please Clarke,” Bellamy begs and Clarke can’t look away from him, her eyes prickle with tears.

“I can’t.”

“Please Clarke, I can’t lose you, you’re my best friend. I need you in my life, I’m going crazy with you not talking to me. What did I do?”

Clarke finally breaks, “You didn’t kiss me.”

“What?” Bellamy looks confused and Clarke tries not to cry, because of course he forgot that night. It was nothing to him.

“At the party you threw, three weeks ago. We were playing spin the bottle and I got you and you walked away and tagged Miller in.”

“That’s what this has been about?” Bellamy asked in disbelief, anger lacing his words.

If Clarke didn’t feel stupid before, she does now. “I know how stupid this is, okay. I am well aware, but it hurt, Bellamy. You looked disgusted by the thought of kissing me and it hurt, okay.”

Bellamy looks like he’s going to say something, but Clarke has to get it all out now. It’s already too late, so she might as well get it all off her chest.

“I wanted to kiss you, Bell. Not just then, but all the time. I’m in love with you and I’ve been in love with you for so long now. And I’m more than okay with being you’re friend, I love being your friend. I’ve gotten use to the fact that you don’t feel the same about me, but seeing exactly how much you don’t feel the same way…” Clarke pauses, not sure what else to say.

She breathes, trying to compose herself. “Look it’s no big deal, I’ll get over it and we’ll be back to being friends. Just give me some time and everything will be normal and you’ll forget-”

Clarke didn’t get to finish, as Bellamy held her face, kissing her like he never wants to breathe again. Clarke stands frozen, but when Bellamy begins to pull away, she follows and kisses him back with the same amount of force.

Her hands are in his hair and she pulls him closer, forgetting everything else, but him. She wants to burn the memory of what it’s like to have his lips on hers, his hands on her bare skin, into her mind forever.

Eventually though they need to breathe and they separate, Clarke breathes heavily and stares at his flush face and swollen red lips. She buries her face into his chest, embarrass and worried that this doesn’t mean what she thinks it does.

Clarke isn’t sure she can handle it, if that’s the case.

Bellamy kisses the top of her head, speaking into her hair. “I love you, Clarke.”

Clarke snaps her neck to look up at him, “you do?”

He nods, his hands tighten on her waist. “For quite some time now,” he says against her lips and kisses her again.

Clarke could get lost in his kisses, but something nags her in the back of her mind.

“If you love me, why did you…Why didn’t you kiss me?” Clarke asks, hands fumbling with his shirt.

“The thought of you kissing me just because of some stupid game, like you did with everyone else, like it was nothing, seemed unbearable to me. And I was sure if I did kiss you, it would be the end for our friendship, I wasn’t sure I could always be around you and never do it again.”

Bellamy shrugs, smiling fondly down at her, moving a stray hair behind her hair. “I’ve always chose to have you as my best friend than to lose you all together. I never thought that you could…that you felt the same way about me.”

“We’re idiots.”

“Fine by me, as long as I get to be with you.” Bellamy says and he kisses her like a man starving, which Clarke doesn’t mind.

It’s definitely better this way.


End file.
